Post-NZ Blues

I must admit after getting back from my very short visit (1 week) that any self-confidence I might have had is completely gone.

It all might be jetlag, a few rejections, a sniffle .... but I sometimes truly feel like I'm fooling myself.

Elisa put it well once... She's terrified that someone might realise one day that she's not a 'real' artist... whatever that is? ... point some finger and it will all collapse in a screaming heap. A bit like the emperors new clothes with ill tempered action figures.

I've spent almost 15 years fighting off the whole 'craft' aspect of making an image and have concentrated on developing concepts.

It seems though that every time I see a fantastically crafted image, I immediately have an emotional and often very anxious response like 'I should...', 'why don't...', 'can I...' et al.

I don't have any sense of belonging with other photographers (I find it hard to relate) and feel more like some one who creates and just uses a camera (tool).

At the same time, I don't feel like I belong in other 'pigeon holes' and whilst that feels 'good' it can be very disconcerting, disorientating and very scary without any affirmation from the right quarters.

It seems more and more pathetic each time I think about it but the 'E-words' really are much more important than I initially realised.