Saturday, May 02, 2009

Giving, taking...

Both of us have always struggled with networking in the various realms we inhabit. Most of the social engagements always feel forced and constructed so to confront the people we should - 'casually' - is like a bad infomercial.
Oh... hi, I didn't see you there. Let me tell you about this amazing offer I have going today...

Admittedly, I have problems with groups in general... Irrelevant of whether I know the people or not. Elisa seems to do quite well and even thrive although I would rather hide in a corner. This even more so when I'm partially the focus of the event.

I have always found 'working' in the realms easy enough, it's more when the work stops that I'm often left grasping at straws... that is, sitting around having a beer (or similar) afterwards.

My 'running away' is often misinterpreted as some form of social rejection of those I'm 'abandoning' but it's rather the other way around... more a fear of not being able to function in that environment and the thought that I might destroy whatever rapport I might have developed.

This often manifests itself when I don't have a choice but to 'be there'. I can write/think and - in controlled environments - talk about my work but put people in front of me and I often lose all sense of structure. I then come away from such events feeling like an utter, bumbling fool so I tend to avoid them as much as possible.

Recently, I have been pondering a lot about whether I should volunteer again for this and that to try to reconnect to various creative communities but at the same time I fear that I will end up working a lot for no real gain.

That's not to be misinterpreted as personal gain but rather that when I have participated in such things before, no 'greatness' has come out of it.

Your hope when you work hard is that what you are working 'on' ends up making a difference. When your work just means the 'survival' of an entity then it can be very soul-destroying if it doesn't move forward or others are satisfied with the 'status quo'.

But then it comes back to the start of this... if it's not for greatness but rather just to 'have a hand in' then it often feels wrong and a construct.

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