I had (another) one of those f%$k moments whilst driving to 'work' this morning. It seems to come in regular waves in that I sit down and weigh up the validity or value of my actions, ambitions, goals, etc.
It's disturbing how often I come out of these moments helpless - to the point of wanting to pull the car over and just close my eyes - and how often I struggle with motivation thereafter.
This morning I seemed to get stuck on the selfish aspect of the 'argument'. What do I add to the world? More importantly - and selfishly - what/where is the dreaded 'legacy' of it all?
I fall into the trap of demographics - 'once I'm xx years old then x or y will be impossible' - and the fear that it's all not 'fast' enough.
What is most disturbing in this idea that I 'have' to bite the bullet eventually and - honestly speaking - I'm terrified that the bloody thing might just explode in my mouth.
Putting it on the greasy line often just means a twisted ankle.
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I concerned myself with buddhism a bit. Not to becomce a buddhist, but this "philosophy" (it's not a religion, more like a state of mind) helps me a lot with some very sound and fundamental thoughts on what is really relevant in life and about how your mind always teases you.
It helped me to diminish those crisises. No joke.
You should watch this too. It somehow made me feel good.
http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/wade_davis_on_the_worldwide_web_of_belief_and_ritual.html
(I confess, I'm a ted-addict. It's the most important website for me. I cannot pass a single week without at least one dosis of ted.)
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